Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
These aliens are taking forever.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.