Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Chicago sounds lovely.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??