Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You Might Also Like
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Woke up against my better judgement again
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7