If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You Might Also Like
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
want me to check your oil?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50