My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
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The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?