I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
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Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”