Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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