Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
In Canada they just call them geese
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.