i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
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When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Don’t tell me what to do
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
People buying plungers never look happy.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes