It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed