[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.