Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party