You Might Also Like
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”