If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell