People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
You Might Also Like
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*