sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
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[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??