[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
real
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response