The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Just how popey was the pope today?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?