I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
i smell a pulitzer
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year