*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The Punning Dead.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Imma just leave this here…………
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.