MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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A wise man once said nothing.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
When someone trying to leave me
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.