If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards