It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
You Might Also Like
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
gm
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Stonehinge
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Peter Parker Peter Driver
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”