THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through