-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My favorite female superhero