I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds