FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.