DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
March 16
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The sacred texts.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.