Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what