Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Anyone really
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…