Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.