WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Oops I deleted….
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me recordaron éste meme
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.