ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Always…
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy