We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert