Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.