I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
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If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]