In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.