“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.