Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.