*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat