If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
oh you wanna fight?!
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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