Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
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ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀