*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
You Might Also Like
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.