I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.