The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Saw online –
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.