writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC