My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.