Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?