Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.