me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.